aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
