For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
