bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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