I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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