im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
