Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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