Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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