drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Drunk is a universal language darling
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