Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
