Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
