I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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