I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
