Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
