I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
