glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
