I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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