I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
