He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
