Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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