Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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