They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
