She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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