He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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