Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
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We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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