i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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