So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
