so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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