i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
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She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
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The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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