it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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