well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
