I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
