Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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