Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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