oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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