I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
