i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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