I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
