Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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