Moan for me like Helen Keller
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
