I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Your penis caused this!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
