Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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