I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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