I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
