Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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