my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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