Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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