she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
