So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize