1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
