I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
