What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
