do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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