I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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