i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize