your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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