just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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