life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just threw up on my dentist
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
