We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
