And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
